By Dr. Mowahib Saleh Mahdi – Faculty of Islamic Sciences – University of Karbala

Allah the Almighty said in His Holy Book: In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful: “Let the one with abundant means spend from his abundance. And he whose provision is limited should spend from what Allah has given him. Allah does not burden any soul beyond that which it can bear. Allah will bring about ease after hardship.” (Quran, Surah At-Talaq, 65:7)

Our discussion today addresses the topic of “some disruptors in family life” and how these issues, if they arise within the family, may threaten its structural integrity. We cited the blessed verse from Surah At-Talaq about the husband’s duty to spend on his family according to his capacity and means, and that Allah has not placed upon anyone a burden greater than what they can bear. If a person fears future poverty as a result of spending and holds back, fearing that his money will run out, Allah promises the opposite, saying: “Allah will bring about ease after hardship.”

The verse begins: “Let the one with abundant means spend from his abundance.” If you have wealth, spend according to what Allah has granted you. And the first to whom you should spend are your family members, starting with your wife. In Islamic jurisprudence, it is obligatory for a husband to provide for his wife, ensuring she is fed and clothed according to what is suitable for her without causing her hardship. These obligations are clearly documented in Islamic law.

First: Miserliness is a poison to the marital relationship

There are three types of miserliness, which will be explained below:
Type 1: Material Miserliness

One of the disruptors in marital life is miserliness. There is a beautiful hadith about this trait. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him and his family) said: “Two traits do not exist together in a believer: miserliness and suspicion about provision.” If you ask someone why they do not spend on their family, they might say, “Maybe tomorrow we will not have anything. Do you want us to beg? We need to prepare for a life of poverty.” They have wealth but choose to live as though they are poor, and on the Day of Judgment, they will be judged as if they were wealthy.

There is a narration from Amir al-Mu’minin Ali (peace be upon him): “Miserliness is the gathering of all faults, and it is a leading force that drives one to all forms of evil.” When we track this matter, we find it to be true. Allah says in the Quran: “And whoever is protected from the stinginess of his soul, it is those who are successful.” If a person is miserly, they are not successful. But if they protect themselves from stinginess, they are indeed successful.

From Imam al-Mahdi (may Allah hasten his return), we hear: “I feel ashamed before my Lord when I see my brother among my brethren and ask for him to be granted Paradise, but I am miserly with a dinar or dirham.” Imagine, you give your brother a ticket to Paradise, but you are unwilling to give him even a single dinar or dirham from your own pocket. Consider if Paradise were in your hands on the Day of Judgment—who would enter it with you?

This issue is a problem for others, but it becomes even more problematic when it is within the family. The wife, as the expression goes, may beg for even fifty riyals from her husband—this is material miserliness.

I recall the case of a believer who, at around 45 years old, is still moving from one rented apartment to another. I told him that his father, according to what we know, owns plenty of land and wealth. Why not speak with your father about it, even if he offers it at a minimal price and not as a gift? He responded, “Please, my relationship with my father is good right now. If we talk about the land, our relationship will be ruined.”

The question is: Why are you holding onto it? In the long run, when you are no longer around, who will inherit it?

“If the world is generous with you

be generous towards others before it slips away

Generosity does not diminish it when it arrives

and greed does not preserve it when it departs.”

Spending and Giving as an Expression of Gratitude:

When you give, Allah increases your blessings. This is a form of gratitude. Allah, the Almighty, rewards the person who shows gratitude by spending on his family or giving to others. Allah blesses them and increases their provisions. However, if a person closes his hand and refrains from giving, he falls under the statement made by Imam Sadiq (peace be upon him): “Two angels call out every Friday night: ‘O Allah, give compensation to every spender and destruction to every miser.'”

The Second Type of Misery:

There is another type of miserliness mentioned by Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him and his family): “The true miser is the one who, when I am mentioned in his presence, does not send blessings upon me.”

The Third Type of Miserliness: (Miserliness in Affections)

This type of miserliness refers to someone being stingy with their emotions. It is difficult for them to express affection. For example, a believer may love his brother but does not tell him that he loves him. A son may long to hear kind words from his father—words expressing love, honor, and pride—but may not receive them. Even though he may love him, he does not express it. The same goes for the wife—she yearns for a simple word from her husband to show his love for her.

In one of the marriage counseling courses, an experiment was conducted in this area: the wife was asked to send a message to her husband through text, expressing love, such as: “I love you, the light of my eyes,” and to report the results afterward. Three women did this, and here are the responses:

• The first husband responded: “Sorry, who is this with me?” in surprise, since such words had never been expressed throughout their years of marriage.
• The second husband replied: “What do you want? No need for these introductions.”

One of the believers wrote to me during a time when a video clip circulated urging husbands to tell their wives, “I love you.” So, he went to his wife and said this. The response he received was that he was being “too forward,” and that they were too old for such expressions or emotions. This is an example of miserliness in emotions.

When we turn to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him and his family), we see that he often expressed his love for his daughter, Fatimah al-Zahra (peace be upon her). He said: “Fatimah is a part of me, a branch from me, the fruit of my heart, my soul that is between my ribs. Whatever troubles her troubles me, whatever pleases her pleases me, and whatever angers her angers me.” In contrast, in society, it is considered shameful to even mention the name of one’s daughter, while the Prophet Muhammad mentioned her name in various contexts.

Likewise, the Prophet often expressed his love for his wife, Lady Khadijah (peace be upon her). He would often say, “I was granted her love,” and he declared his love for her in public. This is the generosity and nobility in emotional expressions.

Some people are not only materially miserly, but also emotionally so. This, sadly, is one of the disruptors of marital life. Just as the Quran spoke about financial spending, many narrations have emphasized the importance of spending in emotions and affections, and encouraged it.

The Fourth Type: Miserliness in the Marital Relationship

Sometimes one spouse needs the other within the marital relationship, but the other refuses or does not respond. This behavior is forbidden, especially for women, because the man’s sexual needs are urgent and decisive, and they cannot be postponed. A study has indicated that a man’s sexual need ignites quickly and fades quickly, whereas a woman’s need gradually increases and fades. Therefore, it is considered miserliness for a woman not to respond to her husband’s request for intimacy. In the narrations of the Ahl al-Bayt (peace be upon them), it is said: “Let her allow him to be with her even if she is riding on the back of a camel.”

One woman came to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), and he said to her, “Perhaps you are one of the procrastinators.” She asked, “What are the procrastinators?” He replied, “The woman who is requested by her husband, but she continues to delay until he falls asleep.”

Even among women, there are complaints that some men do not fulfill their wives’ needs in this regard, which indicates a form of miserliness in this area. In general, it is said that men give love to gain intimacy, while women give intimacy to gain love. Each has different goals, but they meet in this area. Therefore, if you take what is your right without giving her her right in terms of love, compliments, and kind words, then you have not fulfilled her rights. Similarly, if she gives you words, compliments, and love but does not fully fulfill your rights, then she has not given you your full rights.

Thus, procrastination and neglecting this aspect of the relationship is a form of miserliness. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “Beware of prolonging your prayers to the point that you prevent your husbands from their rights.” Therefore, a person should avoid miserliness, as it is one of the disruptors of the marital relationship—whether in material wealth, emotions, or intimacy. If a person is generous in these three areas, they will have ensured an important factor of stability in their marital life.

Secondly: Cruelty

Cruelty is considered one of the worst disruptors of marital life. It can come from both parties, although it is often more prevalent from the man due to his physical strength. However, cruelty can also be in the form of harsh words. For example, a woman may not have physical strength, but the wound caused by her harsh words does not heal. She may speak in a way that leaves her husband’s psyche shattered for an entire week. This is a form of verbal cruelty and harsh comments.

Cruelty can also be in the form of physical abuse—God forbid—when the husband strikes his wife. If a husband does such things, he has created a wound that cannot heal. The husband cannot imagine that by hitting his wife, he is forcing respect upon her. On the contrary, he destroys his own respect in her eyes. As scholars and researchers say, the wife sees her husband as her protector. If he becomes the one who harms her, this image collapses in her heart. What can repair this image afterward?

That is why we are told: “Gentleness is a blessing, while harshness is a curse.” Harshness, whether through words like shouting or through physical violence, is not permissible in Islam. It is forbidden for a husband to strike his wife. In some cases, he may be punished, and in others, a blood money (diya) may be required for the injury. There can be legal intervention from the Islamic judge (a penalty).

Cruelty is one of the factors that drives a person away from Allah, as Allah says: “Indeed, Allah despises the harsh, the rude, and the cruel.” Such a person is hated by both Allah and people. Where is the woman who sees her home as a paradise on Earth? When her husband enters, she feels tranquility and peace. And where is the woman who waits, her nerves on edge, wondering when her husband will arrive, fearing what he will bring with him?

Cruelty leads a person to moral, spiritual, and religious downfalls. If cruelty takes hold of a person, its effects extend beyond the home. If it leaves the home, it makes it easier for the person to commit injustices against others and to practice violence against others, making it normal to hurt others and engage in violence.